To Forget
by brahdley jims
Summary: To deal with your memories is hard. To simply forget is much easier. Character death. RandR, please.


**AN: **Written for the '62 Hardships Competition' on the HPFC. This is Cho/Cedric, but it's Cho-centric. I hope you enjoy even if you're not a fan of Cho, or Marietta :P

**Disclaimer: *sigh* Don't own a thing, m'afraid.**

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><p><em>Cho<em>

I had to forget.

Why didn't anyone _understand_ that? Why didn't anyone understand that I had no choice? I had to forget. I couldn't live with the memories anymore. The memories of _him. _

They taunted me whilst I was awake, and haunted me in my dreams at night. During the day, I'd hide inside myself, inside the shell of who I used to be, unable to drag myself from the past. Because that's where I was living. I didn't have a present or a future anymore, only the past. Wonderful memories that made me smile in the middle of a hellish Potions lesson, awful memories that made me shake violently outside under the warmth of the sun, torturous memories that brought the tears spilling over onto my cheeks without warning.

My nightmares were no better. Whereas the memories I'd stray back to during the day were of him, alive and well, the nightmares tormented me with scenes long-forgotten, of Harry clutching his lifeless body, of his glassy, unseeing eyes, cold hands I'd never hold again, screaming. So much screaming. I'd wake up, writhing in a cold sweat, and realise that the screaming was coming from me. And Marietta would always be there, every night, letting me sob onto her shoulder.

She was worried about me. Scared. She never made it obvious, but I felt her eyes watching me when my back was turned. I'd turn round to say something to her, and she'd glance away quickly, making a show of having a coughing fit. Like that was a good enough cover. I had caught her one too many times, but she wasn't the only one. Far from it. I felt like a elephant in the zoo, being gawped and stared at, pity coating their faces at the sight of me locked up inside my cage. No matter how many people there were in a room, people would always notice me. I couldn't go anywhere without a few pairs of eyes following me until I was out of sight, the whispers circling around me. I felt like a freak show, or someone close to death. Everyone was being so careful around me, and I hated it.

I was so sick of this. He was dead, and yet he was managing to make my life hell! No – that made it sound as if it was his fault. It wasn't. I loved him. I would never stop loving him, loving a dead man, and that was why I had to forget him, forget his death, forget everything before and after him.

Because with these memories, I was slowly ceasing to exist.

It was easier than I thought it would be. Marietta and the rest of the girls in our dormitory were still at dinner. I was careful to get rid of any evidence Cedric ever existed, photographs, letters, that sort of thing. I never considered that a single mention of him from anyone would spark my curiosity. I hadn't thought this through, not at all, but at the time I didn't think there was any way at all I could ever remember him again.

Right?

I pointed my wand at my head. Just one word, that was all it took. One word to erase your whole life. So easy, it was scary.

"_Obliviate._"

I've no idea how long it took to erase everything. I don't know when I stopped. I simply kept on going, met with a refreshing, silky cold as more and more memories left me. It was like a giant wave was washing over me, cleaning me and making me all brand new again. A new book, its pages never turned. A blank piece of parchment, unmarked with the smudge of ink, never knowing anger or despair or heartbreak. I was a new person. I was free.

Finally, I lowered my wand. Looking around the dormitory in interest, I wondered vaguely where and who I was. I knew only the oddly amusing feeling of dizziness before I passed out on the floor.

**+.+.+**

_Marietta_

She didn't even look alive.

A scream had torn from my lips when I first saw her, crumpled in a heap in our dormitory. I thought she was dead.

"Cho!" I cried frantically, rushing to her side. "Cho, wake up. Wake up! It's me, Marietta. Please wake up for me. Cho, please!"

Glancing round for anything to help me, I noticed her wand lying beside her, near her hand as if she'd dropped it. My heart missed a beat. "Oh, Cho, what have you done?" I whispered, tears leaking out my eyes. "Cho, come on, wake up. It's Marietta. You know me, I'm your best friend. Why won't you wake up for me?"

Taking a few deep breaths to calm myself, I grabbed her wand – it was quicker to reach than my own, which was in my pocket – and pointed it at her, shakily saying, "_Enervate." _

She didn't stir.

"_Enervate," _I tried again. "_Enervate! _Come on!"

It was no use. My voice was shaking too much, I couldn't concentrate properly. I was partially blinded by my fear for my best friend's health.

Everybody else was at dinner, there was no one to help. I had to go fetch Madame Pomfrey. "I'll be back soon," I promised Cho's unmoving body, standing up and crossing the room to the door, thankful when I found my legs would support me.

I threw her one last glance, wishing I didn't have to leave her there, before taking off down the stairs.

**+.+.+**

_Cho_

Have you ever disappointed so many people, you wanted the ground to open up and swallow you whole?

It's a crushing feeling.

All the Ravenclaws thought I'd betrayed them. After all, a Ravenclaw never failed in anything, no matter what was going on in their life. Professor Flitwick had several meetings with me about my actions. Perhaps he thought I was mad. I wasn't. I was just ruined.

And Marietta. Oh, Marietta. The only person who had stuck with me. I owed her so much in the first place, and then I did this to her. I only thought of myself, my happiness, when I did what I did. My only friend couldn't even look me in the eye anymore for fear of what she might see there.

Finally, my parents. They'd had always had high standards. I'd mastered riding a broom at the age of six, just to please them. I'd passed my O. with Outstandings in nearly every subject of the very many I was taking, just to make sure they were proud of me. I'd gone along with their plan of me becoming a Healer, just to keep them happy.

Looking back on it, the majority of everything I've ever done has been done for their benefit. Of course, I loved flying, but I hadn't really wanted to take half those extra classes for my O., and being a Healer didn't appeal that much to me if I was being honest with myself.

So it didn't really surprise me when my parents were more upset that I failed all my end-of-year exams than the fact that I'd erased all my memories and didn't even recognise them when they came to see me in the hospital wing. They'd hugged me, and cried, and finally shouted at me. But when they found out that I hadn't taken any of my exams, because I'd been confined to my bed for weeks while my memories were being restored – I wasn't allowed to see anyone until I'd remembered them – and therefore failed in every subject. Mum had screamed at me when Madame Pomfrey told her that. I'd burst into tears – why did she always manage to make herself look like the victim? – and begged her to let me explain myself. She didn't listen, and in the end had to be escorted from the hospital wing. Dad didn't say anything, and the look he gave me before he followed my mother out broke my heart. Yet again they'd managed to make me look like the villain. I wasn't, was I?

Was I?

My future career as a Healer was down the drain, I knew that much. Who wanted to employ somebody who was supposedly 'mentally unstable' to look after other people? It angered me that they'd labelled me so easily, just like that. One mistake. That was it. One mistake. An urge to escape, if only for a few moments. And oh, they'd been the most blissful moments of my life. That minute of knowing nothing, of having nothing to cry about. I was so clueless, so unburdened. Why couldn't they understand?

He was torturing me again. Cedric. Was there never a moment's peace? This is why I had tried to get out. Nobody understood. Nobody knew what it felt like!

Glancing at a sleeping fourth-year in the bed next to mine, I noticed her wand on her bedside table. Completely unguarded. Without thinking, I silently slipped from my bed and over to hers. I picked up the wand without a second thought. It was quite similar to mine, in length and weight. Same wood, too, it looked like. I realised I liked the feel of it in my hand.

Back in my own bed, I held the fourth-year's wand between both my hands. I wasn't sure yet why I had it, but it felt as if I was supposed to have it. A thought occurred to me. I was never escaping these memories, I knew that know, not when I'd tried so hard to ignore them, get over them, and finally banish them forever. Cedric would haunt me until the day I died. And while he did, I would go on disappointing everybody. I couldn't live like this.

_I couldn't live._

Then wouldn't it be better to just… not live?

It would be quick. Painless. I'd be free again, and perhaps even back with Cedric. Everything would be fine.

The ghost of a smile graced my lips as I held the wand up to my temple, taking my final breath.

Yes, it was easier this way.

Cedric would understand.

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><p>please <strong>review.<strong> Pretty please? x


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